The Nostalgia Chipmunks and Chipettes
by NYPDfan001
Summary: This is what I think that the Chipmunks and Chipettes would do if they reviewed movies. I DON'T own AATC. Rated T for swearing, it may change.


The camera was set up as the Chipmunks and Chipettes were getting ready to start their new YouTube show.

"You guys ready," Jakob asked.

"We're ready," they said. Jakob went to the camera and started recording.

"Hello, we're the Nostalgia Chipmunks and Chipettes," Alvin said, "we remember it so you don't have to. What do we do you ask, well, have any of you heard of the Nostalgia Critic?" A picture of the Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) is shown on screen.

"No, that's the AVGN," Simon said. A picture of the Nostalgia Chick is shown on screen.

"No, that's the Nostalgia Chick," Theodore said. A picture of Linkara is shown on screen.

"No, that's Linkara," Brittany said. A picture of Cinema Snob is shown on screen.

"No, that's Cinema Snob," Jeanette said. A picture of the FanFic Critic is shown on screen.

"No, that's the FanFic Critic," Eleanor said. A picture of the Nostalgia Critic is shown on screen.

"That's him," Alvin said, "his real name is Doug Walker. He lives in Chicago, Illinois, and sometimes goes to conventions."

"Well, we're going to do what he does basically," Brittany said, "and we're going to start by reviewing a movie he's already reviewed."

"What's the name of the movie," Jeanette asked.

"That answer is in the answer of a poll that FanFiction user NYPDfan001 conducted on his channel," Simon said.

"Well, the results are in," Theodore said.

"The first movie we're going to review is," Eleanor said, "drumroll please." A drumroll sound effect played as the results of the poll were shown.

"Really," Alvin said.

"That movie," Simon said.

"What the fuck," Theodore asked.

"Why this movie," Eleanor asked.

"They probably have a fever," Jeanette said.

"You don't even know," Brittany said.

"Are you guys high," they all asked, astonished at the results.

"Have any of you heard of the movie Michael Jackson: Moonwalker," Alvin asked, holding back his anger. Scenes from the movie Moonwalker played as they tried to process what the movie was about.

"Let's not waste anymore time," Alvin said, smiling, "let's take a look at Moonwalker."

(Opening credits roll)

"First of all, why's it even called Moonwalker anyway," Brittany asked. "I mean, yeah, he does the dance move a few times, but there's no real focus on it."

"You could've easily just called it Crotch-Grabbing," Simon said, "it would've made just as much sense."

"So we see the answer to every joke ever written, Michael Jackson," Jeanette said, "we catch him at that stage where he's not really a good looking black man, but at least he's a halfway decent looking white one."

"We see him performing at a concert performing a song about how we can all change the world," Theodore said, "and apparently all the world leaders buy into Jackson's plea for world peace."

(Video cuts to scenes in the movie with the Chipmunks and Chipettes doing impressions of the world leaders in the movie with Michael saying the line 'make a change' at the end)

"I believe you can change," Eleanor said, smiling, "your plastic surgery operations can clearly tell that."

"So, okay we get a bit of him performing," Alvin said, "now what?"

"Oh, we see pictures of him performing," Simon said, "alright."

(Video cuts to scenes in the movie where there's photos of Michael Jackson performing)

"Okay, so we've seen pictures of him performing," Theodore said, "now what?"

(Video cuts to animations of Michael Jackson performing)

"Oh, we get freakish animations of him performing," Brittany said, "that... that's nice."

(Video cuts back to animations of Michael Jackson performing)

"And they turn into the California Raisins for some reason," Jeanette said, "when did the Michael Jackson performances turn into the Monty Python commercials?"

(Video cuts to animations of Jackson performing with different music and a Monty Python impression)

"So, okay, we get animations of him performing," Eleanor said, "I must ask again, what's next?"

(Video cuts to montage of Michael Jackson)

"Oh, we get a montage of him performing," Alvin said, "wow, he's just... so humble about his fame."

"It's like he doesn't even know that he's famous," Brittany said, "oh, Michael, don't be so modest. Indulge yourself a bit, I don't think that the image of you being a shining golden Messiah is strong enough. Don't you have any oceans of water to walk on, or dead people to ressurect. I mean, come on, splurge a little."

"I especially like this picture of him and E.T.," Simon said, "it almost looks alot like a before and after photo."

"Yes, we get it, Michael Jackson is awesome," Jeanette said, "please shut up."

"Yes, raping the asphalt is cool now," Theodore said, "if you did it, it must be cool. Please contribute something more than your ego."

"I'm just showing you how secure I am in my levels of confidence," Eleanor said, doing her best Michael Jackson impression, "cause that's what they call me, they call me very secure. If they were to name an airport after me, they would name it Michael 'Secure' Jackson Airport. That's what they call me, in fact that's what they call me right now. Michael 'Secure' Jackson Airport. I am just so secure. I am very, very, very, very secure. Kill me."

"So, and I'm not kidding here, after 20 minutes of just watching his self-indulging clips, we finally get some new material," Alvin said, "no, please, I think there was a Pepsi commercial you might've missed. So we jump to this strange cut of his famous 'Bad' music video, except this time it's done with small children instead of adults."

(Video cuts to opening scenes of the 'Bad' music video)

"I guess this is supposed to be charming," Simon said, "but, I don't know. This seems kind of like the male equivalent to the little miss pageants. It's more creepy than it is endearing."

(Video cuts to the 'Bad' music video)

"There's even a scene when the kid even grabs his balls too hard," Theodore said.

"Why would you even make that joke," Eleanor asked, "that's like a joke the Nostalgia Critic would make. Except when he makes it it's funny, when you make it it's... unnaturally disturbing."

(Video cuts to scene where the kid grabs his balls too hard and a woman screaming sound effect is added, and the music video cuts to the kids asking who's bad)

"Who's bad? Who's bad? I'll tell you who's bad, little kids who wear hair gel and dance around like adult ballerinas," Jeanette said, "that's bad mothafucka."

"So they exit the scene trying to have some normal conversation," Brittany said, "but, even that comes off as a little abnormal."

(Video cuts to scene in the movie)

"He uh, he just asked what a monkey was wearing," Brittany said, "so we see them leave the studio as a cloud of smoke transforms them back into adults. Because, Jackson wills it, I guess. We then see a tour bus of what looks like Damien Goliath's satanic replacements."

(Video cuts to tour bus scene)

"And, believe it or not, this is where it gets strange," Alvin said, "Jackson is being chased by a bunch of stop motion fans. Including 'The Noid' I don't know, Jackson wills it. He drops in on a western shot being directed by someone who is also stop motion animation."

(Video cuts to western scene)

"Boy, George Lucas wasn't as strong in his early years," Jeanette said, "so they chase him into a make-up trailer where Jackson finds the perfect disguise to escape in. The easter bunny version of Joe Camel, of course.

(Video cuts to the scene where Jackson comes out of the trailer, as Jeanette does her best Bugs Bunny impression)

"Of course the clay puppets seem to fall for the trick as no one seems to see past the disguise," Simon said.

(Video cuts to scene where Jackson escapes but with a movie scene playing)

"So we see this musical chase scene as all the stop motion characters start riding after Michael," Eleanor said, "but Michael fools them by shape-shifting into different characters. Like a construction worker, Tina Turner, even Pee Wee Herman."

(Video cuts to Pee Wee Herman scene)

"You know they should've called this mindfucker instead of Moonwalker," Theodore said, "that would've made alot more sense. So he loses Gumby's gangbangers as he finally decides to take the costume off, but it turns out the costume wants to dance. Sure why not?"

(Video cuts to scene where the costume and Michael are dancing)

"Oh, yes, I forgot this is the guy who made crotch-grabbing outside the house popular," Alvin said.

(Video cuts back to the scene where the costume and Michael are dancing)

"But a cop notifies him that there's no Michael Jackson-ing in these parts, and is forced to write him a ticket," Alvin said.

(Scene plays where Alvin and Simon are doing impressions of what the cop and Michael might say)

"And just before he leaves, the face of his bunny pal shows up once again to say farewell," Jeanette said, "why? Why? Are you really going to bother asking why in this movie?"

"We then cut to the next segment which is probably the funniest in our opinion," Brittany said, "it's another strange music video with all sorts of strange images, but the name of the song is entitled 'Leave Me Alone'."

(Video cuts to scene in the music video)

"Are you serious," Simon asked, "you spent the first half of this movie pleading for attention. Begging people to look at you and acknowledge you as some sort of musical God, and now you're suddenly telling people to leave you alone. What did the aliens do to your brain anyway? I guess this is a response to all the newspaper tabloids that were written about him at that time. We especially like it when he constantly sings the line 'I Don't Care What You Think'."

(Video cuts to scene in music video where Brittany does her best Michael Jackson impression)

"Michael, we would love to leave you alone," Eleanor said, "but you just make it so constantly difficult that it's pretty much impossible. It's like a train wreck you're told to ignore it's simply not going to happen. So we cut to what is probably the most famous part of the movie, you know the whole moment that has that whole Speilberg's and Mecca's life feel to it, and we have to say this is easily the best part of the movie. Because it starts off with Michael Jackson's best scene..., people trying to kill him."

(Video cuts to a bunch of guys shooting at Michael)

"We will destroy you before you make 'Captain EO'," Theodore said.

(Video cuts back to scene in the movie)

"But, boy howdy," Alvin said, "how did all this insanity start? Well luckily one of Michael's many children friends cuts us to a flashback to show us how this all began. This takes place in, the salad days, when Michael was allowed to be around children."

(Video cuts to scene where Michael is playing with some kids)

"We see Michael playing in the hills of perfect-topia , when their dog suddenly runs off into the forest," Simon said, "so Michael and one of the kids go searching for him, and then, it goes Raiders of the Lost Ark on us for some reason as Michael stumbles onto a secret bad location."

(Video cuts to scene in movie and plays a scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark)

"It turns out they've come across an evil gang of drug dealers, because, yeah, all drug dealers do their evil ploting in the middle of the fucking forest don't they," Jeanette asked.

(Video cuts to scene in movie)

"That poor peacock with leukemia is actually Joe Peshi, playing the sinister roll of, well let's face it Joe Peshi," Brittany said, "his evil plan is to get all the little children of the world completely high on drugs. Why? Because there's nothing else Joe Peshi can do on a Saturday night, I guess."

(Video cuts to a tarantula on the staircase and the girl screams)

"But their cover is blown as Jackson and the girl barely escape," Theodore said, "but as we see the evil drug thugs caught up with him as they try to hunt him down and kill him before he reveals their evil plans."

(Video cuts to scene where all the guys line up to where their facing each other while some random words are said)

"But Jackson escapes as he runs down the alleyway, while Peshi screams like a Scottish Terrier," Eleanor said.

(Video cuts to that scene in the movie)

"But Michael outwits Peshi by, running," Alvin said, "yeah he does alot of that in this scene."

(Video cuts to the guys who tried to kill Michael chasing after him)

"So he... continues to run and then after that he... runs some more, but then he throws them a suprising loop by giving them. Oh God damn it, he's just running again," Brittany said, "Jesus Christ he's just running back and forth between the same 2 locations how is this exciting?"

(Video cuts to Jackson running down an alleyway)

"And since you loved it in normal speed, we have running in slow motion," Simon said, "how breathtaking. Please keep your crotch 50 ft. away from us, off a restraining order from the world."

(Video cuts to scene of Joe Peshi yelling through a megaphone)

"Gosh," Jeanette said, "he speaks in Yosemite Sam."

(Video cuts in and out of scenes of Joe Peshi and Yosemite Sam)

"But Michael's in luck, because he came across a shooting star, and, as we all know," Theodore said, "when you wish upon a star..."

(Video cuts to scene where Michael turns into a car)

"You turn into a fucking Transformer," Eleanor said.

(Video cuts to scene where Michael, as a car, is escaping from Peshi with the Transformers theme song playing in the background)

"Yeah, Michael's a car now," Alvin said, "surprised. We then see the kids he was playing with earlier, don't worry too deep into that, as they meet at the rendezvous point where Jackson said he would come."

(Video cuts to scene in the movie where Jackson turns back into a human with the Transformers sound in the background)

"So Michael enters into the night club that was once empty, but is now magically full as he partakes in...," Brittany said.

(Video cuts to Michael flipping a coin into the jukebox in the night club)

"The coolest fucking thing we've ever seen in our entire lives," Simon said, sighing.

(Video cuts to the start of the song 'Smooth Criminal')

"We're serious," Jeanette said, "we have no problems with this music video portion called 'Smooth Criminal.' To us, this is about as close to music video perfection as it can get. We mean, God, this is so unbelievable. Why is he suddenly singing? What is he even doing there? Suddenly, none of that really matters. We're just sunken in to the kickass amounts of awesomeness this whole scene displays. The design, the style, the dancing, the music, we can't find a single flaw with this entire scene."

"Well, if you want us to nitpick there are a few things," Theodore said, "like for example what exactly is he saying?"

(Video cuts to scenes from the 'Smooth Criminal' music video with added subtitles)

"There's also a weird scene where he shoots a guy for trying to stab him and he somehow melts into the wall," Eleanor said.

(Video cuts to scene where guy melts into the wall and picture comes up with an alien saying 'Acid for Blood?' with weird sound effect playing)

"But probably the strangest scenes come right dab in the middle when the music stops and everything goes strangely quiet," Alvin said, confused.

(Video cuts to a screen that says 'Due to the nature of this scene, we have decided not to show it in this video, we won't even comment on it. We're sorry for the inconvenience.')

"Sorry about that," Brittany said, "We don't want anyone putting something dirty in the comments."

"I agree," Jakob said, from behind the camera.

"All in favor of skipping this scene say fuck off," Alvin said.

"Fuck off," everyone said.

"Thank you," Alvin said as he skipped that scene.

(Video continues on with the rest of the 'Smooth Criminal' music video)

"Smooth Criminal is one of the greatest musical numbers of all time," Brittany said.

"We might get alot of bad views of this," Simon said, "but it's better than Thriller."

(Sound effect of an audience booing is played)

"Oh, come on, it is, it really is." they all said.

"Don't get us wrong," Jeanette said, "we love Thriller, but where Thriller revolutionized the music video, Smooth Criminal perfected it. Look at the style, look at the staging, look at the dancing, the entire scope of this music video is just huge. There's never been another music video like it, and don't get us started on that other version. How they thought they could do a legit send-up to this song is just ridiculous."

(Video plays more of the Smooth Criminal music video)

"Oh no, the plot," Theodore said, "please go away. We were having a good time."

(Video shows Michael shooting at the windows to kill the guys who were trying to kill him)

"Fuck, Michael's packing," they all said.

"Why don't you play that clip again with some of the other clips we saw earlier," Eleanor said.

(Random clips from the movie played with that one scene from the Smooth Criminal music video playing afterward)

"Well," Alvin said, "it's about as consistent as everything else in this movie. So just as we saw the most epic of music sequences, the story comes back to ruin the show. We find out that the girl's been kidnapped, and it's up to the king of pop, of course, to save her. He goes back to the hideout where he's surrounded by henchmen. They start kicking the crap out of him and make him watch as that evil cockatoo starts beating that little girl, but, apparently, Michael has some supernatural friends to help him out."

(Video shows scene from movie)

"He's just as we thought," Brittany said.

"Michael Jackson is an alien robot," Simon and Jeanette said.

"It all suddenly makes sense," Theodore said.

(Video shows scene where Michael is transforming into some type of terminator)

"We guess," Eleanor said, "we'd say more confusing."

"So without any explanation about how he turned into a machine," Alvin said, "Michael Jackson becomes Poptimus Prime as he takes out any henchmen he can see."

(Video shows Michael, as a robot, taking out henchmen)

"Just watch him as he goes G.I. Joe on their asses," Brittany said.

(Video plays as Michael takes out henchmen as the G.I. Joe theme song is playing in the background)

"So after all the henchmen disappear, Michael Jackson transforms into...," Simon said.

"You know what, we have no idea what's going on here," Jeanette said, "we're just enjoying the pretty images."

(Video plays scene where a giant laser is pulled out)

"What drug dealer has a Marvin the Martian laser gun," they all asked, "was he just dealing cocaine for the Acme Corporation or something."

(Video shows scene where Michael gets hit with the laser gun)

"So Peshi zeros in to kill the rest of out little heros," Theodore said, "until."

(Video shows scene where Peshi dies and his laser gun blows up)

"So Michael runs out of things to blow up and decides it's time to call it an action filled day," Eleanor said.

(Video shows scene where the kids wave goodbye to Michael)

"Why," they all ask.

(Video goes back to showing the kids waving goodbye to Michael)

"Why is he leaving," they all ask.

(Video returns to showing the kids waving goodbye)

"So the kids sit and mope as they look back on what a fearless godchild Michael was," Alvin said.

(Video shows the kids moping)

"It's okay kids," Brittany said, "on the third day he will rise again, and absolve us of our sins."

"But, it turns out, Michael returns," Simon said.

"Okay," Jeanette said.

"No explanation or reasoning, he just returns," Theodore said.

"My guess is that he couldn't stay out of the movie for more than 2 seconds," Eleanor said.

"And not only that, he has something very special he wants to show them," Alvin said, "but he has to take them to a big dark empty basement where they have to be very, very quiet."

(Video shows a look of concern on the face of Alvin)

"No, it's just a concert," Brittany said.

"Oh, yay, we started out with an ego boosting show," Simon said, "and now we're ending with an ego boosting show."

"How shocking," Jeanette said.

"Well, at least we're sure the kids will enjoy it right," Theodore asked.

"I don't know we never see them again," Eleanor said, "the bit we see of them they're getting reunited with their stupid dog. We don't know if they even made it to the concert, or if they're even watching."

"Michael's ego just seemed to disinegrate them from the story altogether," Alvin said, "what an absolutely charming waste. So how does this film hold up, we can sum it up like this."

"Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, holy mother of God that is so freaking cool, crap," they all said, with the only good part being the Smooth Criminal music video.

"We're the Nostalgia Chipmunks and Chipettes," Alvin said, "we remember it so you don't have to."

Author's Note: Finally, I got this one started. Sorry it took me so long, school is a drag. Thank God for Thanksgiving break in most schools. If you want them to review a movie you want, leave the name of that movie in a PM or in a review. Until the next review, this is NYPDfan001 signing out.


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